Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle -- Hey! Come Back Here With That!

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I read a funny article today. Some kids stole the Salvation Army donation pot outside a store in Addison. Witnesses said four teenagers grabbed the pot, stuffed it into a car and drove away. What the heck? What's the world coming to?

The local cops are checking the store security video to see if they can identify the thieves. If they catch them, I hope I can help post their bond. They were doing the world -- or at least the shoppers at that specific store -- a favor. Giving them a few minutes off from the month-long passive-aggressive panhandling that IS the Christmas Season according to the Salvation Army.

Before anyone declares me a Scrooge -- or worse -- I have to say that I approve of their mission, and I donate to their cause. And I greatly respect the people actually ringing those bells and freezing their collective and individual asses off this time of year. They are unfailingly polite, whether you donate or dodge them. But how about a day or two off during the week?

My local Jewel must be a Gold Mine for the Army. Both doors are covered, and every day, every shift, it's a new bell ringer. You never get the opportunity to get to know one of them; to make eye contact; to get a nod and a smile and a PASS because they know it's your fifteenth trip into the store since last Thursday and it's MAYBE OK NOT TO STUFF A DOLLAR IN THIS TIME JUST ONCE!

I even mentioned it today to the guy at the north entrance, how I never see the same bell-ringer twice. "They didn't just start doing this, you know," he said with a chuckle. I stuck in a dollar. It was my second one today, maybe 20th of the past week.

And they don't stop there -- the Army's direct mail continues. But honestly, if they'd offer me a lapel pin for $50 or so, I'd buy it, just to dodge the daily door-tax at Jewel, Ace Hardware, the adult-video store, etc.

Not that I'm against charity. I donate. To the Salvation Army, the Leukemia/Lymphoma Association, my church. (Just check my tax records on that one! It's amazing how generous I am. And if I go to Hell for lying to the IRS, it's almost certainly a case of bad record-keeping in Heaven, but I digress.)

Anyway, I just don't like the Army's omnipresence. Which is why I laughed when I read that someone stole their pot of money. Those kids probably have more one-dollar bills than the average stripper.

Which just makes the phrase "Ho ho ho" seem even funnier, now that I think of it.

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