My Neighbor, the dick -- the Sequel

I thought it would be tougher to get started on this next posting -- the last one seemed to write itself, since I had so much pent-up bitching inside me.

But after I wrote that last one, things just got better around here.

My neighbor, the dick, left his garbage cans in the street last week, as I mentioned before. But it snowed last Wednesday night.

Our little village is small -- it has to hire a snow plow service to do the roads. We have a new company this winter, and the new guys mean business.

The village had sent out a reminder -- which hit our mailbox that Monday -- telling us loyal subjects that we have to keep our garbage cans out of the road on nights when snow is predicted. They apologized, since this might mean a bit of inconvenience to residents, but said it was necessary "for the safety and blah blah blah..." My eyes glazed over.

Wednesday came, and it was snowing like HELL, starting shortly after noon. The dick's garbage cans were still in the street, going on 9 days now. I saw this as I turned the corner, heading for home, and suddenly I remembered the warning from the village! It's snowing like HELL out here, and my neighbor, the dick, still has his cans in the street! And they're still full of garbage! SWEET! I could hardly fall asleep that night... there's NO WAY that lazy fucker will take them up in a snowstorm!

Sure enough, the next morning I awoke to find the street plowed, but his garbage cans were no longer in the street. Instead, they were in his yard -- fully 20 feet off the street -- and garbage was every-fucking-where.

Man, I know exactly what went through that snowplow-driver's mind when he turned to come down Pearson Road... TARGETS ACQUIRED!! My mission: To get some AIR with those fucking cans! I guess he hit them at about 30 miles an hour. Oh Sweet Successful Mission! I bet he shit himself when he hit the cans -- probably thought they were gonna be empty. Hope he didn't bend the plow...

Naturally, being a good, concerned citizen, I called the Village Hall the MINUTE they were open, to complain about the HEALTH ISSUE and the PUBLIC SAFETY concerns I had when I saw this horrifying display of garbage on the side of the street. And since this is a small village, a little gossip goes a long way. Our village motto: "If you can't say something nice about your neighbor, come sit next to me and let's talk..." So of course, I listed a whole 'nother litany of complaints.

I feel better now. Someone took the cans up to his house and cleaned up the garbage strewn about -- it was cleaned up even before I got home from work. The Village Administrator called me and said she left a voice mail on the dick's answering machine, and hoped everything would get better... we'll see.

In the mean time, the Holidays are already a bit happier around here!

And what, you may ask, spurred me to write a sequel about my neighbor, the dick? I got the urge because right now I'm watching the tow truck driver hooking up the dick's wife's Audi SUV to his winch. It appears she ran off her driveway and got the Audi buried in their yard, in broad daylight, once again.

Some things never change.